He Loves and She Loves

I had my piano competition/festival recital today and yesterday. I played my Bach Prelude and Fugue on Friday, and the rest of my programme on Saturday (today). I hate recitals and playing in public.

The Bach Prelude was horrible. I put in rubato (variations in speed), which I had never done before, but felt I had to do because everyone else did. This resulted in an uneven, and decidedly un -serene performance. The Fugue was orright, could have had better clarity between voices, but it was rather bland and void of expression to compensate for the rather bipolar excesses of the Prelude. All the other performers played with a great deal of pedal (which I vehemently disagree with when playing Bach- thankfully at least my brain didn't tell me to put it in) and rubato, some to the other extreme from me, making it sound like a bad Romantic piece. Which the adjudicator liked. It's probably quite clear what I think. Needless to say I didn't win...

The other performance went a bit better. The Mozart first movement was played too fast, but I carried it off (it sounds better that way anyway, although I got told off (deservedly, I must confess) by my teacher for not playing within my capabilities at the time resulting in some mistakes that weren't there before. Second movement was orright, third was super, albeit with mistakes. Chopin was beautiful, also albeit with mistakes. I love the theme in the Nocturne, but it always seemed to me the contrasting B section, with its conrapuntal textures and its almost unrestrained fury, seemed a bit too contrasting. But the adjudicator liked it. And the Gershwin, he loved, and I loved. It was beautiful.

So I didn't get 1st prize. But I still got a prize, which was nice. The most important thing I got out of it was knowing that I hated public performances, and that I would never do it again. The stage fright is terrible. My hands shake noticeably, I start biting my nails, I run to the toilet several times, even though I don't need to go. When I am up there, I forget where I am, and have to stop to find my place on the score (even though, since I am playing from the score and not from memory, I should know exactly where I am), I mistime my page turns. It's horrible. I have never been a great public speaker, and I am no better as a performer. The neurotic in me comes out and it doesn't bode well for me at all. After my piano teacher's end of year concert, I will not perform in any more competitions or concerts or anything public unless there is some good reason for doing so. I hate it. I get nightmares from it.

Ugh.